Monday, October 22, 2012

The Hesitant Hoarding Heart

If you've ever been to my house you wouldn't consider it suitable for an episode of Hoarders.  However, if you were to look into my heart you'd find hurt piled high and that selfishness and disobedience are scattered wall to wall.  The fact of the matter is that God's been trying to clean house, but I'm hoarding.  Why?  Why would anyone want to hoard hurt, selfishness or disobedient practices?  Just as homes suffer from hoarding practices, my physical and spiritual health suffer when I hoard.  As David wrote in Psalm 31:10:

I am dying from grief;
    my years are shortened by sadness.
Sin has drained my strength;
    I am wasting away from within.

Yet, unlike many hoarders I finally chose to face this issue and I yearned for a remedy. So... I began to converse with my Creator:

Me: Lately, I've been hesitate to pray.
The Spirit: Why?
Me: Because I'm afraid of what God will tell me or ask of me...
The Spirit: He has already directed you. Why are you afraid?
Me: ....
The Spirit: It is because you don't believe His words...
Me: ....
The Spirit: Why don't you believe His word?
The Spirit: It is because you don't trust Him...

Bam. Owned.  The Spirit just laid a heavenly smack-down.

What I realized through prayer is that what I chose to hold onto---emotions I chose to hoard---created a false sense of control.  This need to control was deeply rooted in a lack of trust.  Not trusting God is an unhappy and unsettling place to be.  Never sure of anything, and that is the opposite of faith.  Trusting is done in actions, not just words and it is a mindset.  Unfortunately, I had allowed myself to believe that there was a point to keeping  some sort of connection to these situations, albeit the connection was a devastating emotion.  Or that I even deserved to suffer from such distressing thoughts.  Yet, God stays true to his promise to "never let us be snatched from his hands" (reference John 10:28).   He has called me in so many ways to let it go and to move forward.  He has been steady in this cleaning process, and now I am a little more determined to assist Him. Scared? Yes, but still determined :)

While I don't advocate home hoarding, neither do I advocate heart hoarding.  Whatever is not being put to good use, or whatever is taking up room and needs to be replaced don't hesitate---let your heart be cleansed.  

"So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you...
But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language...
Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him."
Colossians 3:5, 8 & 10 (NLT)

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